Siblings

      As a preface, my apologies for those reading this if it is just too emotional. But for me it somehow illustrates the closeness siblings share with each other. Each of us are different in many ways, but we share the same upbringing and memories that are unique to us alone. 

I didn’t start this post with the specific intention of making this about my youngest sibling, but the more I wrote, the more necessary it felt to do so. I am blessed to be in good health and to have two of my three siblings (brothers) still here, but that is not the case for my youngest brother, Roger. I was talking to my granddaughter a few weeks ago (senior in high school), and I mentioned my brother Roger, who died in a terrible car accident when he was 18. She said “I didn’t know you had another brother!” Wow that really hit me. I thought I had talked about him from time to time with her, but I guess not. So I am going to rectify that now.

Roger was born in August 1961. He was my folks’ little “surprise” baby. They thought they were done having kids, but then Roger came along, nine years after my youngest brother.  I remember him as being a very happy baby and kid. But as so often happens with big age differences in siblings, I didn’t really get to spend much time with him once I went off to college, married and moved out of the area. I did see him occasionally through his youth when he and our parents visited us in North Dakota, and when we traveled to North Carolina for vacations. 

Roger and our dog Freckles

He was the only child still at home when my folks retired and moved from NJ to NC in 1976. Roger was about 15 years old then. He had to leave all his friends in NJ and move to a new part of the country, learn to “talk southern,” and go to a new high school. But he seemed to make the adjustment very well, made new friends, and got involved in many school activities. 

Roger in elementary school

So here is where I want to talk about what a smart, friendly, and musical person he was, and also what a tragedy it was to lose him at 18. I learned (or maybe knew it and forgot) all of this from the newspaper clippings I had fortunately kept about him. Reading all these accomplishments and varied interests and activities really floored me. After graduating from high school in 1979, he attended Western Carolina University until his passing.

• He played clarinet, participated in the high school marching band, stage band, won a seat in the Western District All-State Band in NC for two years, and played with the Hendersonville City Symphony;
• He excelled in math, winning a scholarship to Western Carolina University, was on the math team for 2 years in high school, completed HS math courses in trig, advanced math and calculus, and finished 8th in the WCU senior division math contest in SC;
• He was a member of the HS golf team for 3 years (he loved golf, as our dad did, but I remember he had a quick temper when he made a bad shot);
• He was also active in drama, Key Club, and Serteens Club (part of Sertoma org) activities.

Best friend Nathan (left) saxaphone and Roger clarinet 
1979 newspaper article All State Band

I still remember getting “the” phone call the middle of the night from a neighbor of my parents. It was about 3 AM, early May 31, 1980.  I answered the phone, still mostly asleep, and all I heard was that my brother Rog, had been killed in a car accident. Honestly I can’t remember what happened right after that. I told my husband, and when dawn broke, we called my brothers Jim and  Bob, I think.

       We made arrangements to fly down to NC just as soon as we could, so probably a day or two after. I do remember getting to my folks’ house, and how utterly devastated my parents were. My dad was so pale and shaken. I remember wishing there was something I could do to take their pain away, and 45 years later that still hurts. 

       

(L to R) Jim, Roger, Bob, Carol, Mom and Dad in May 1978, maybe last photo together                                                   

Roger and girlfriend Mary prom 1979

As people do, somehow we got through the planning and the funeral. It helped immensely being together with family and some of Roger’s friends. I particularly remember Roger’s best friend Nathan being at the house that evening after the services. Some of us were on the deck outside, taking in the beautiful and warm June evening, watching a myriad of fireflies light up the night. Nathan said he had never seen so many fireflies, and he liked to think that they were a sign from Roger that he was okay, and that he loved us all. 

After some time passed, Nathan wrote a heartfelt letter to our parents about Roger, and how much his friendship meant to him. I have this letter now, and I treasure it because it’s such a personal account of Roger’s best attributes. 

Roger’s remains were interred with our parents in Hendersonville, NC. Our mom kept his ashes close to her (in her closet) until she passed away 37 years later, so they could be together. Our dad had passed about 11 years after Roger, and he is in the same memorial garden. So they are together, and knowing that brings a great deal of comfort.